April 2010
1 post
Stop Making More Money Than Me! Signed, Loser
Here is a charming little gem from beebee. Nothing says “date me” like a confrontation salad with a light dressing made of guilt.
I wonder why people would want to list their income on a dating site, and my guess is one reason would be to suggest you want to date someone in that price range, but I should tell you that while I don’t mind that you make that much, I don’t...
March 2010
1 post
“The Hindenburg of Third Dates”: Nada
Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down…
Wait, not quite. But it is a story, as The Amazon puts it, about the Hindenburg of Third Dates.
This date seemed promising enough. I’d met The Giant (not to be confused with The Amazon!) on OKCupid, and he was witty, flirty, and really quite attractive. A few weeks ago, we met up for our first date, and 90% of the signs...
February 2010
1 post
2 tags
Missive from the Amazon: On Wasting My Time
Dear Dudes of the Interwebz:
If you’re “not a pet person,” or you “hate” cats, why do you waste my time by communicating with me when I clearly state that “my cats” are one of the things I can’t live without? Are you dense? Do you think I’ll just drop them at the pound on my way to falling madly in love with you? Do your poor addled brains...
January 2010
2 posts
2 tags
Missive from the Amazon: the height of WTF?
One night, while enjoying some Maker’s Mark (okay, a lot of Maker’s Mark) with a friend, I got the bright idea of logging into OKC. This is certainly not the best judgment I’ve ever exercised, but I had backup with me, so how bad could it get? Anyway, this guy I’d winked at (and for the record, I think just winking at someone is a cop out, but on occasion I do it anyway...
4 tags
Missive from the Amazon: Happy freaking new year.
Greetings, dearest readers, and happy fucking new year.
My apologies for leaving you for so long without any new tales of the stupid side of online dating. Things have been a tad wonky around these parts, what with the holidays and all they entailed this year. Rest assured, I will endeavor to share with you all the cringe inducing, ridiculously obtuse, painfully stupid and...
November 2009
1 post
1 tag
Missive from the Amazon: Friday Facepalm
Sorry for neglecting you, dear readers. Let’s just say that I finally met Crush and things have gone pretty well, so laughing at morons didn’t seem nearly as interesting as it once did.
But I simply couldn’t resist sharing the following panty-drying message received last night:
suffer at your won hand with the chubs……. switch( ok not for really) and go sox. Na its...
October 2009
3 posts
5 tags
Missive from the Amazon: I get it, you're horny. ...
For all my bitching about not getting laid since the Ice Age, I’m not really all that interested in ending the drought via cheap thrills. One-night stands have their appeal, and I pass no judments on those who partake of them, but they’re ultimately a little bit like a Spring Training game: the teamwork is lacking because you may not know each other; unless you’ve been...
3 tags
Missive from the Amazon: The importance of being...
To say that I’m cynical about the prospect of ever finding twoo wuv would be an understatement. Yet for some reason, I keep looking for that oh so elusive dude, that Farm Boy, if you will, who’s gonna make me weak in the knees forevermore.
This is not he:
Subj: [none]
slanket01: Do you believe in love? like you, you are beautiful
Nor is this one, whom I have christened...
4 tags
WatchYesterday, I popped into OKCupid to check a message really fast and get back to what I was doing, and I received this IM:
Dude guy: hey, wanna have some fun today?
In a word, no. I don’t know you. I don’t have “casual encounters” selected as an option. Therefore, what you’re doing would make anyone uncomfortable. Unless, of course, you can cruise and swing...
2 tags
Missive from the Amazon: How not to internet date:...
When I said I like it when guys reference specific information from my profile in their initial messages, I didn’t really think I needed to spell out in excruciating detail that said references should express complete, coherent thoughts that invite a response. Apparently, not all truths are self-evident.
Crush’s first message was a prime example of how to do it. But there’s a...
September 2009
9 posts
5 tags
Missive from the Amazon: young, dumb and full of...
Oy vey. This one - we’ll call him Toolbag69 - is 27 and clearly has so very much to learn:
you’re adorable actually for being 39…thought you were underage at first. Looking very innocent/shy though…I think im going to be too outgoing, sarcastic, and just plain naughty for such a fragile girl like you to handle, dont you think? ;-)
I know he thinks this is...
9 tags
Missive from the Amazon: the return of Chode
Remember Chode, the master of IM etiquette who so thoughtfully provided me with a valuable lesson on why I should keep my IM permanently disabled? Well, as I chatted with a friend the other night, he popped back up … like herpes, or that zit on your forehead that just won’t go away, or Sarah Palin.
Chode:i still pick you
amazonredhead:What?
amazonredhead:No.
Chode:whats a girl...
2 tags
A Missive from Her Ladyship: Publish My Book!
I knew something fishy was up. I work in publishing. Therefore, once in a while people approach me in strange ways looking for a publisher. But via OkCupid? That’s new. Lame.
Mr Dudeguy: hi, how are you tonight?
Her Ladyship: good. you?
Mr Dudeguy: good. had to run last night. My books you have not read. I am looking for a publisher for my fiction children’s books
Mr Dudeguy: how...
6 tags
Missive from the Amazon: I'm not being nice...
I used to get excited when I saw the new message indicator envelope thingy pop up on my OKC page. “It could be someone handsome, intelligent and worldly,” I would think. But after about a week I started to think, “Please don’t let it be a complete loser who will butcher the English language while pushing me one step closer to taking a vow of celibacy.”
So when I...
4 tags
Missive from the Amazon: The makings of a crush.
Thanks to an entirely silly, ridiculous and sarcastic sense of humor with which I have been genetically blessed, I’m a bit of a Monty Python fan. Okay, more than “a bit.” Not only do I love laughing at those blokes, but I can quote the hell out of them, too, especially Monty Python and The Holy Grail. It’s kind of my … well … comedic holy grail. So when I...
5 tags
Missive from the Amazon: How not to internet date:...
I’m on the fence about using IM’s as a first means of contact on OKC. Just like conversing in a bar, if the dude starts with an engaging introduction, they’re fine. Sadly, on OKC, those guys are few and far between, and an unexpected, unsolicited IM often feels like the world’s biggest chode just got in your face while you were minding your own business and having a...
5 tags
Missive from the Amazon: Seriously? No, really,...
I put a bit of time, thought and care into crafting my OKC profile, so I like it when dudes take notice of the information I put in it. I didn’t write it for myself, right? So a fairly easy way to (try to) engage me is to reference something I have in my profile. It tells me they thought enough of me to actually read it, at least.
For instance, my profile says you should contact me if...
3 tags
Missive from the Amazon: Dipping a toe back into...
During the last year, I’ve made some serious progress toward getting my shit together. I’ve gotten much healthier and lost some weight, cultivated good astoundingly great friendships, traveled a bit, quit smoking (for good, this time) and searched (as yet unsuccessfully) for a new job. One result of all these positive changes, one that I didn’t expect, one that caught me...
