OkStoopid

During the last year, I’ve made some serious progress toward getting my shit together.  I’ve gotten much healthier and lost some weight, cultivated good astoundingly great friendships, traveled a bit, quit smoking (for good, this time) and searched (as yet unsuccessfully) for a new job.  One result of all these positive changes, one that I didn’t expect, one that caught me entirely off guard, is that I’ve become sex crazed.  Seriously, I’ve got a libido somewhere between “16-year-old boy” and “dog in heat.”  What I don’t have is someone to ravage when the mood strikes.  And it strikes all the damn time.  To make matters worse, the last time I had sex, George W. Bush still had 20 months left in his second term, and the last time I had really great sex was during Slick Willy’s second term.

So what’s a painfully horny girl to do?  Candlelit dates with internet porn and the bulk of the Toys in Babeland inventory?  Helpful, but the Hitachi Magic Wand doesn’t take control, pick you up in its big stong hands and flip you round like a ragdoll or lick every inch of your body until you’re hotter than Mount Kilauea.  Hit the bars?  I have, with no success.  Seduce a friend?  Been there, done that, and let’s just say the amount of alcohol that it took to attempt it was not conducive to sealing the deal.  Craigslist’s casual encounters?  Uhhh, no.  Just no.  Then, the reason I haven’t had a half-dozen one-night stands in the last year struck me: I don’t want just a one-off thing.  I want someone to stick around and give me the proper, frequent rogerings I so richly deserve.

Oh, yeah, and I want to spend time with a dude who’s kind and funny and employed and smart and share our life experiences and fall in love and all that crap, too.  No, really, I do.  I do!

Given that I’m not the greatest about getting out and meeting people, it’s back to the internet for me.  Ugh.  Internet dating sites: where honesty goes to die.  Since I refuse to pay for the privilege e-mailing guys who lie like Rod Blagojevich on a pretrial media blitz, it’s OK Cupid for me.  It’s free, so at least I won’t cringe at paying actual money to read messages from the barely literate members of the gene pool.

Something tells me this could be a bloodbath.  Stay tuned for all the gory details.