OkStoopid

I used to get excited when I saw the new message indicator envelope thingy pop up on my OKC page.  “It could be someone handsome, intelligent and worldly,” I would think.  But after about a week I started to think, “Please don’t let it be a complete loser who will butcher the English language while pushing me one step closer to taking a vow of celibacy.”

So when I got this message, I wasn’t thrilled, but I wasn’t repulsed:

Subj:  Dinner and Drinks?

I’d like to visit every continent too. I’m getting close. The only place I haven’t been to yet is Antarctica. [Hey, he’s directly referencing something in my profile.  Good start, assuming it’s not total bullshit.]

At the present time, I’m visiting Chicago on business and I’ve never been here before and am looking for someone interested in making new friends, hanging out and eating some good Chicago food.

I’m an asian male, 34, 185lbs. I’m in good shape (not a body builder or anything). I’m very easy and outgoing. I can talk about anything.

Even if you’re not interested in getting together, maybe you can recommend somewhere with really good food that I should try that says “Chicago.” I also like to Karaoke so if you know a good place, that would be awsome.

J

Okay, he doesn’t have a picture and hasn’t filled out any profile information, so the chances are uber slim I’ll agree to meet with him, but he writes in complete sentences, doesn’t use asinine text-speak abbreviations, and he spelled (almost) everything correctly, so in the name of hospitality I message him back:

Thank you for writing. Welcome to Chicago.

You didn’t specify how long you’re in town, but I am pretty much booked this weekend.

I’m not sure what type of place or food you’re looking for, so it’s hard to know what restaurants to recommend. There are so many that could be called “quintessential Chicago.” If you’re a sports fan, then try Harry Caray’s at Kinzie & Wells. Their food is very good, and not your typical sports bar food. Of course, not much is more “Chicago” than deep dish pizza. My favorites for deep dish are Pizzeria Due, Lou Malnati’s and Gino’s East.

If there’s a particular type of atmosphere or cuisine you’re looking for, I might have more useful suggestions. I’m afraid I can’t help with karaoke, as it’s been years since I did it here.

B

Nice, right?  His response is fine, too.

I’m only in town tonight. I just arrived this afternoon to speak at an event tomorrow morning and I fly out in the afternoon. Just wanted to see if Chicago had any spontanious people around here.

I eat just about anything or will at least try it one to determine that I don’t like it. I’m not really a sports fan, I prefer playing sports than watching it. So is Chicago a pizza place? I also see this Gold Coast Hot Dog place all over. I’m in Des Plaines near the airport right now and will be in downtown Chicago tomorrow. I don’t mind driving for some good food. I love to cook and eat.

Interested in a drink and a deep dish pizza right now?

G

Notice the change in his initial?  Odd.  Also, I’m downtown, it’s already after 8:00, and since I haven’t already eaten, I’m not inclined to wait for you to drive down here.  So, another gentle refusal:

Sorry, I’m still at the office just finishing a project, then I’m headed to the gym.

If you’re near the airport, then you might give Gibson’s a try for dinner. It’s a great steakhouse. I think it’s on River Road in Rosemont. Their food is phenomenal, and the bar is usually very active, as it’s by two hotels.

Gold Coast Hot Dog has delicious dogs. I’d recommend it.

Hope you enjoy your visit.

B

That should be the end of the story, right.  Nope.

I’ve had a hot dog there when I flew through Chicago airport once. I thought it was one of those fake chains that tell people it’s a Chicago dog and no one from Chicago actually eats there.

Still at the office? All work and no play makes Jill a dull girl. There’s always tomorrow and there’s only one today. Live in the moment!

Last chance?

Why yes, let me just drop everything I’m doing to meet with a complete and total stranger.  Certainly nothing in my life could be as important as that!  Not my physical condition, and certainly not my job.  Also, if you have had Gold Coast dogs, why did you ask about it?  If you liked it, have it again.  If you didn’t, then don’t.  It’s hot dogs, for fuck’s sake.  But I’m still nice (if less than 100% honest):

Sorry, I’d love to live in the moment, but at this moment I can’t. I will be unemployed tomorrow if this project isn’t done.

Now, shouldn’t that tell you something, J or G or whatever your initial is?  The answer is “no.”  Let it go.  But of course, we couldn’t possibly do that.

What are you working on that will unemploy you?

For the love of all things holy, that’s really none of your business.  You don’t get to ask personal questions of someone when you yourself have shared nothing.  So what I really want to tell him is, “I’m working on getting into Crush’s pants.”  But I refrain, because I’m classy like that.

I’m sorry, but it really doesn’t matter what I’m working on.  I said no.  That won’t change, no matter what.  Expecting me to blow off what I’m doing, regardless of whether I’m working or working out or just sitting in front of the TV, on the spur of the moment to meet a complete stranger is a bit unreasonable.  

Also, for future reference, expecting someone to share with you any personal information that’s not on already on their profile, when you have absolutely no personal information on yours, is a bit creepy.

I hope you enjoy your visit.  Good night.

Now, that should be the end of it, right?  Hahaha!  Oh how naive you are to think that:

Jesus christ. You didn’t have to end that on a bitch note. I was just trying to be friendly.

I don’t have any information because I just joined the site. In fact, even if I filled my profile to the top with information, how do you trust what I have written??

Enjoy working the night away.

Did you get that?  I’m a bitch.  Because I won’t drop everything to meet with someone about which I know NOTHING.  Well, I guess I do know one thing about him: he apparently can’t see a situation from anything other than his own selfish perspective.