OkStoopid

I put a bit of time, thought and care into crafting my OKC profile, so I like it when dudes take notice of the information I put in it.  I didn’t write it for myself, right?  So a fairly easy way to (try to) engage me is to reference something I have in my profile.  It tells me they thought enough of me to actually read it, at least.

For instance, my profile says you should contact me if you can answer me these questions three:

What is your name?

What is your quest?

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

If you don’t know, that’s a bit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail (I’ve only recently been disabused of my notion that MPATHG is universally known and adored).  It’s taken verbatim from a scene in the film, and it’s completely ridiculous.  I mention Python as a favorite in my profile.  And even if you don’t recognize it, wouldn’t you think, “That’s an odd question.  Is that a reference to something I don’t know?  Should I perhaps look it up?”  I mean, why would I really give a shit about the actual airspeed velocity of a swallow?  Why would I care if you know the actual airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?  Why would you send me this?

Subj:  answers

here’s your answer —

The average cruising airspeed velocity of an unladen European Swallow is roughly 11 meters per second, or 24 miles an hour

My question is - How come we drive on a parkway yet park in the driveway?

Or this?

[I won’t subject you to the 2 very long paragraphs that precede this, which related stories that, while relating back to my profile, bored the crap out of me.]

My quest? Enlightenment, of course. Swallow airspeed, (I suppose I could look it up), I’m guessing, 180mph.  [Yes, because the average sparrow can keep up with an Indy car.]

Do you know why snapping a damp towel makes that loud snapping noise?

This guy seems nice enough, but again, he just didn’t get it:

My name is Chuck.
My quest is to be content and enjoy life.
24 mph (I didn’t understand the math completely but the explanation seemed to make sense to me. As always, my disclaimer, I could be wrong….:-)

Based on his profile, this guy’s a fighter pilot, so he’s got the science to back him up:

Well you asked the right guy…………
European Swallows captured and released by the Avian Demography Unit of the University of Capetown finds that the average adult European swallow has a wing length of 12.2 cm and a body mass of 20.3 grams.4

Because wing beat frequency and wing amplitude both scale with body mass,5 and flight kinematic data is available for at least 22 other bird species,6 it should be possible to estimate the frequency (f ) and amplitude (A) of the European Swallow by a comparison with similar species. With those two numbers, it will be possible to estimate airspeed (U).
Anytime you wish to know a little about airspeed/ velocity you need to call me….

Other than that, Love your profile…….

It was a nice effort, guys, but sorry.  Thanks for playing.  I know the website you visited to find that 24 mph answer, and even it references MPATHG.  You missed the joke, and not even the posing of your own pithy question can compensate for giving a sincere answer to a question that is so obviously ridiculous and insincere.

But I saved the best (and by “best” I mean the worst) for last:

Subj:  OK Red

So I dug 80% of what you posted.
I am a Sox Fan and Cubs tolerate’r (-15%)
I really want to go to Cancun soon (not alone) (-5%)
So check my post - it’s a lot less to read.

Dan
Truth
Depends on what cuisine was consumed and whether or not (and when) it is a Bulimic bird, of course.

I hope you are not really an amazon, red is OK.

I … I … I can’t even … I have no words.