OkStoopid

For all my bitching about not getting laid since the Ice Age, I’m not really all that interested in ending the drought via cheap thrills.  One-night stands have their appeal, and I pass no judments on those who partake of them, but they’re ultimately a little bit like a Spring Training game: the teamwork is lacking because you may not know each other; unless you’ve been practicing diligently since your last season, your skills are a bit rusty and you’re prone to rather embarrassing errors; everyone’s just looking out for themselves and working on their own stroke; they rarely result in more than one or two extra innings, but unsatisfying stalemates are not uncommon; and while it’s nice to win, in the end it’s entirely meaningless.  So I haven’t selected “casual encounters” on my OKC profile because if I’m honest about what I want, casual sex ain’t it.  I want the sex equivalent of a post-All Star Game, extended hitting-on-all-cylinders-all-the-way-to-October hot streak.

Not having it selected, however, doesn’t dissuade some dudes from trying to entice me into casual sex anyway.  Like IckyDude here:

Subj:  you look sexy

I am really aroused after looking at that last pic of yours. What miracles a see through blouse can do.

Mind you, the “see through blouse” he refers to is actually a dress that is sheer, but also worn over an opaque slip.  None of my goodies are remotely on display, so Icky’s got an active imagination, and this is the come-on equivalent of striking out on a foul bunt: fundamentally flawed.

SelfProclaimedBadBoy took a slightly different approach at the plate:

Subj:  is it really weird…

…that i want to lick my way up your thigh starting from your errant kneecap?

actually, i know thats weird.

still.

Ummmm … thanks?  You were swinging for the fences, BadBoy, but you whiffed worse than Alfonso Soriano on a slider low and away.

And SlaveBoy took things in a rather unexpected direction:

Subj:  I have a fetish or one kneecap ladies

Hi,

Bet that made you laugh !
I also will see most of the world in the next 20 years !

Have you ever seen Where the Buffalo Roam with Bill Murry
Bet you love that but if you havent its a scream especially
Lazlo Dr Hunter combos !

I read everything about you, looded at your pictures over and over
and all I could think about is:

What does this womans toes look like, painted, unpainted, wet, sweaty, dry, tired, relaxed, streaching, crunched, pointed, playful, angry…….

SlaveBoy was kind enough to include his e-mail address, too.  Add up the painfully poor writing, the general creepiness and the unwanted personal contact information, and SlaveBoy has done what few others have: hit into a triple play.

(By the way, had I known that having only one kneecap was such a draw, I would have started trotting out that surgically mangled sucker a long time ago.  NOT.)

IckyDude, BadBoy and SlaveBoy, I’m sure each of you is as talented in the sack as Albert Pujols is at the dish, but I’m putting you all on waivers.  Take heart, though, for I’m sure if you keep swinging away, soon enough you’ll score an invitation to someone else’s Spring Training.